Tell Me How You Really Feel
by Annaleah
Summary: Get inside the heads and read the journals of five friends, who's lives are full of battles, training, scandles, and so many brain boggling events you can't help but want more.
1. Totally Completely Obnoxious

Tell me how you really feel

Totally Completely Obnoxious

It was one of those days, you know? The ones where anything and everything that could possibly irritate you...does. The ones where you're not sure if you want to zone out and drink a cup of unbelievably strong tea, or rip your gorgeous hair out and scream at the top of your perfect lungs.

People can be so incredibly obnoxious, so incredibly ridiculous it's brain boggling. The capacity of the human cranium must be getting smaller and smaller as time goes on...either that or just filled to the brink with nonsense. The enormous amounts of stupidity that can be contained in a single room is utterly fascinating to me.

I often have to question my own sanity, it is absolutely necessary. What other reason is there than to be completely off the rocker for me to live the life I live? Growing up, I had a plethora of options, all with giant neon signs with arrows pointing to "Perfect". So then why the hell am I here, on my own, living the life no one expected me to live? I chose it. I actually chose this life.

Days like this are plentiful, I am surrounded every single freaking day of my life by the people I grew up hating the most out of all the world. Want to know a secret? I fucking love it. It's honestly the only thing that keeps me living, the only thing that gives my life purpose. Take a chew on that one.

Our fights are like World War III, our tempers are worse than that of the fiercest Lion. We spent the first five years together wishing death on one another, but now...I have the oddest, most unexplainable connection with these people. I still take pleasure in seeing them squirm and watching their blood boil, but it's with a hint of humor and fondness. It's not like they don't do it back...our prank wars are unbeatable, and our all nighters are the only possible way to go.

Of coarse as I said, their stupidity infuriates me at times and it simply fascinates me how quickly we can jump down each others throats. I will not deny that I am positive they feel exactly the same way...I am no angel, I am not the easiest person to get along with or even like for that matter. If you choose to love me, love me for me. I'm the best, I know it, I'll tell you, just ask me. I don't care what you think of me, because I know myself, and I like who I am, who I have become. I changed the important parts in my life that needed changing, and I left the rest the way it was.

I am Draco Malfoy.


	2. Insane Crazy

Tell Me How You Really Feel

Insane Crazy

Let me just start off by saying that the male race is absolutely without a doubt the most infuriating species on the face of the earth! Okay, so, with that out of the way . . . today was terrible. Today was awful. Today was wonderful and amazing. I could never pick just one. At some points I feel the need to declare how light my heart feels, and ten milliseconds later I get the urge to scream and punch something, or more like some_one_.

The way he makes me feel itches at me. When he looks at me, I feel like scum, but the most beautiful scum in the world. Beautiful scum? Beautiful scum? You simply cannot have beautiful scum. I see it burning in the depths of his icy retina's. Retina . . . what an odd word. See what he does to me? He makes me use crazy words. Why, why, tell me why.

I try to make it through the day without thinking of him. His crude, smug attitude. He loves to piss us off. He loves to hate us, but I can see it in him, deep inside, he loves to love us. In the end, no matter how badly we fight, in more ways than the one, we always end up having the best time. Can someone please just sort this out for me? I wish I could calm my brain for like ten minutes, just to be able to really know what I feel, what I think.

I'm afraid to be by him without the others. I'm afraid to look him in the eyes and have him be gazing back at me. I am afraid because of the way it makes me feel. My stomach clenches up in nots and I get this feeling where I need to scream . . . but I can't. When I am with him, I hate him and love him and want him. When I am away, I need him and pity him and yearn for him. How can I despise him as much as I do and still be fascinated by the person he his?

His cocky attitude, like he is God's gift to the world, like he is the epitome of perfection. He sets up these barriers that he wants you to break. I know that deep inside the very pit of his soul he wants to be found. He hides away in the blackest part of his insides waiting for someone to save him. He would never admit it of coarse, he insists that we are a pain in his royal behind, that we infuriate him to no end. I don't doubt it of coarse, when I want something I get it, and often enough I want to see the effect I have on him. I want to understand him. He is the key to my self discovery.

Why do I even care? In the end it all leads to disappointment. I'm obsessed with trying to understand him, or at least how I feel about him, but what does it matter, he hates me. He hates me in that bittersweet way, the one we all feel, where it would never be the same if the other wasn't around, but we might not care. I think we are all just afraid to find out. Boys suck, why do I even think about them? I guess it's just who I am, you gotta be in love with my craziness, it's just me. Me, me, me.

I am Ginny Weasley.


	3. Wallowing In Self Pity

Tell Me How You Really Feel

**Wallowing In Self Pity**

Can someone please explain to me why things never go my way? Never! I wake up in the morning, and I've got drool everywhere. I take a shower, the water is beyond the point of hypothermic. I get dressed, and my shoes don't match. I go down to breakfast...all thedecent food is gone. I go to class, where for once something goes right, and then it all crashes and burns. "Yes?" they say. "The answer is Wolfsbane," I reply. "Very good, five points!" they award me. I start to feel proud, I take a look around, and I get evil glares whenever I focus upon an individual face. Excuse me for caring, for wanting to succeed, and for being able to retain ten times the amount a normal person can...we can't all be perfect.

Speaking of perfect, ferret boy is really starting to irritate me, well more so than before. Sure over the past couple of years he's grown on me, we've all pretty much accepted him as one of us...but heaven above, that boy needs a good whacking from a nice hard broom! He's such a cheeky little git sometimes. The way he looks at you...like he's undressing you with his eyes, the way he assumes you don't mine because he's gorgeous. Well news flash...I mind! Oh and goodness holy lord above, Ginny! That girl is practically _throwing_ herself at him. She's always playing childish games. One minute she's convinced she wants him to ravish her on the spot, right in front of all of us! The next, she averts her eyes whenever she has to be near him...which is often let me tell you. That girl needs to keep her head straight, that's what I think.

I stand back and watch everyday as all of my best friends live out their lives, happy as can be regardless of their set backs and strange quirks while I sit here and think about the horrible things in life. I'm ridiculous sometimes. I'm here wallowing in self pity, when people are out there dying. There are so many people out there that have it so much worse than I do, what am I thinking. You see, I am smart, I just needed a venting session with a side of reality check. If I set aside being known as a prissy little know it all, I am pretty fortunate. I have two amazing parents, three wonderful best friends with a little ferret added on as the fourth, I have a good head on my shoulders, and I am good at what I do.

Why do I spend my time worrying so much about every little thing. The harsh truth is yeah, bad things happen, bad things will always happen, and bad things are in my life to stay. I can lose any one of them at any moment, it's part of what we do...why do I still have problems accepting that? I guess it's just who I am, I worry, I get concerned, and I try hard to protect the people I love from being hurt or disappointed. In the end though, it doesn't matter how much I care or how hard I try, it all comes to an end and there comes a time where it's out of our control. It's a scary thought, but it's the truth. I'll never stop worrying about it though. As much as I understand I can't control everything, I still try, just to know I'm making the effort and doing everything in my power. So if I seem overbearing and annoying at times, just know it's because I care,know that it's who I am.

I am Hermione Granger


	4. Couldn't Possibly

Tell Me How You Really Feel

**Couldn't Possibly**

These things are so stupid. Completely pointless. How can one talk to absolutely nothing? It's like ranting and raving, to no one. I just really don't think I could do it. Nope, not at all. There is no way I can use this. No way. Just like there is no way I'm liking her. It's not happening. For seven long years I've ignored this feeling...no, it hasn't ever been there, just like I'm not using this. But how does it all of a sudden just pop out of know where? Explain to me that. Ah! See you can't...you're nothing, what am I doing. I've lost it, I'm off my rocker. I am totally completely 100 positive I do not like her, and I am not using this.

She turned out beautifully. Most certainly what any seeing man would want. But I'm her...she's my...it is simply not even happening. I don't know why I'm even talking about it, it's nothing, I must just have the stomach flu or something. Yes that must be it, otherwise I wouldn't be talking about having feelings for her...and bloody hell I wouldn't be talking to nothing. Okay so I'm not sick...I'm just...confused. I think all those curses and blows to the head have taken their toll. Plus, I couldn't do that to _him_...I'm certain he would be furious...because it's obvious that...ugh, it's obvious that I am in way over my head here.

That's it, no more using this ridiculous thing. I'm tired, hungry, smelly, sore and we're all meeting tomorrow morning at five. Not that you need to know that because well...you don't need to know anything...because you're nothing...and I'm most definitely still talking. That's it...I fail. I really don't mind using this...it is pretty relaxing, and I admit I think I really do fancy her. But what do I do? The last time I fancied a girl it took two years to finally make it work, and I went through all of that for a single year of happiness. I suppose it was worth it though...we did share so much, and I learned a lot, ha! A whole lot.

She'd be worth it, no matter how long it took...she'd surly be worth it. At least we already care about each other, that helps. The problem is that we have spent so long looking at each other as brother and sister, that I am not positive we could see us as anything else. Well here's a laugh, I guess I have already overcome that or I wouldn't be having this problem...but I doubt she would ever think of me as more than a brother or a friend. Bloody hell, girls are headaches disguised with a great body and a full head of hair...not that I notice that about her...because I'm not that shallow. Mm, but she does have a real nice...

There I go, a cross between a perv and schizo. Oh well, you all always seem to love me no matter what I do...so you're all crazy as well. I am who I am, live with it.

I am Harry Potter


	5. To Grow Up

Tell Me How You Really Feel

**To Grow Up**

So last night I took a good look at myself in the mirror. This was all before I had the best shag of my life if I might add, but that's later. So, I realized how much I really have changed in the past seven years. When I first looked, I didn't recognize myself. My hair is longer, shaggier, my face has lost its baby fat and I finally look like a man. My body, well, let's just say two long years of working out for three hours everyday before classes, and two hours everyday after classes, has taken effect.

So back to the best shag of my life. Ginny calls me a man whore...I just like to think of myself as really social. When you got it, you use it, and what can I say? I most definitely have it. I had no intentions of taking her offer...I was going to walk her to her common room and say a polite goodbye...okay so maybe I would have had a good snog, but I didn't plan on anything else. She's a great kisser...so good in fact, that I became so concerned with her safety, I had to see that she got safely to her room. She did. I admit I have had my fair share of women, but damn, that girl...I don't even know what she did differently...but bloody hell, I'm already ready for the round two she promised me. Speaking of...maybe I should owl her right now...

Want to know something else that's been on my mind lately? I think it was sparked by my recent meeting with a mirror, but we've all kind of grown up. Not just physically (even though we all look quite different from all the training) but mentally. Doing what we do, I think it sort of comes with it. We have to accept things, deal with things, we are forced to grow up. I never wanted that for any of us, especially Ginny, but in the end it's probably for the best, you know. Noticing myself looking different, has really made me look at the family I have around me. We've all grown to such amazing people, to true adults.

Ha, maybe that's why I'm so...social...because I've come into adulthood so fast. Haha, well whatever it is, I like it. What guy wouldn't, I mean come on, can you blame me? Oh well, call me a man whore, I don't care, it's what I love and who I am. I'm pretty fabulous huh.

I am Ron Weasley


	6. Control

Tell Me How You Really Feel

**Control**

Well that's it. My own inescapable stupidity has proven to be forceful and it is because of it that my life will soon be ending. I cannot believe I had the audacity to do that. Of coarse it wasn't entirely my fault, but I am the man and I am older. Even now, I do not think I could recall how it all even happened, one minute I was alone, walking down the corridor (which I knew to be deserted thank you very much) and then all of a sudden I was not alone, and my hands were no longer at my sides but on her body . . . her beautiful body.

I remember the taste of her kiss on my lips, like I just placed them upon hers . . . and I starve for her. I remember distinctly the way her throat quivered right before it released a guttural moan as my lips brushed over the skin. In that moment, the sensation that ran through my body was nothing short of . . . well, orgasmic. Although this mistake is supposed to have been a horrible one, for the first time in my life, I am thankful for my weakness.

That girl, no, that woman, is so beautiful it's terrifying. She has something . . . I've never seen it in anybody else before. She pulls you in, and you just can't seem to get out . . . but then you realize you don't want to get out. You want to be with her, a part of her, for as long as she'll have you. If I can know this, realize this, after one encounter . . . my heart cries to know what it's like after another, and another. I'm not supposed to want her, I'm not supposed to care . . . but merlin I do. I used to be able, with great concentration, to rip my eyes away from her. Now, I know that it is impossible.

I count at least eight grown men that will want my head on a stake if they found out what we did, what I feel for her. I'm going to have to be near her every single day for the next year, and if I'm smart (which I have come to question lately) I will restrain my fingers from touching, my eyes from looking, from wanting to feel her beneath my touch. They are bound to notice. How can they not? I'm still stuck between praising myself for letting go, and scolding myself for letting it happen. It is not meant to be this way, I am supposed to be able to control my emotions, my feelings, no matter how she plays with them. That is what I specialize in, is it not?

She takes away my power and my strength, she sucks out my control with every glance. Her kiss, it makes me want to give it all up, just to be able to have her. But I cannot, and I shouldn't have done what I did.

I kissed a Goddess.


	7. What Have I Done

Tell Me How You Really Feel

What Have I Done

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, they have all been so sweet! Thanks to: anti-everythng, randomgurlie07, Jenny UsPplz, ;A New Reader, SilverandSilent, and dark angel121! You all are amazing!

Dedication-Dark angel121...you really gave me hope, thank you so much for that.

I wish I could say I had no idea what was going on. That none of it was my fault, but I can't. I really can't. When I think about it...I have to take deep breaths to keep from passing out. What a deal. You should have seen it! It was terrible...and by terrible I mean amazing. I never saw it coming, never imagined it would happen.

Why? Why did I do that. Oh merlin...what have I gotten myself into? I wish I could say holy crap I was under a curse. But I wasn't. It wouldn't have felt so good if I was. It was bound to happen. How could it not. Always working so close...watching each other train...being all sweaty and watching the muscles work, damn. Hopefully it's not noticeable, my brother would go through the roof. I need to talk to someone though. Hermione? I don't know if she would handle it better than anyone else...would she understand? Bloody hell, I don't even understand. I mean I realize I've been feeling this for a while, but I never bloody thought I would act on it! Stupid Girl! Why do they have to be so...beautiful...so wonderfully perfect. The years of training sure does their bodies good...especially his...mmm.

Oh! I do hope he's kept his bloody mouth shut! Oh of coarse he has...he wouldn't want it getting around...I doubt he's even told you yet, I've nothing to worry about right? Right? Oh merlin I hope I'm right. Who knew I'd grow up to be like this...haha, not that I'm complaining, but I used to be an innocent little pris I'll admit it. Now, well, I wish I could subtract the pris instead of the innocent. Nah, I take that back. Growing up has been quite eventful. If it means fulfilling my...dreams...then shove off and let me finish growing up.

I regret it. I don't. I do. Nah...well...I don't as long as I don't get in trouble for it. Ha, there you go. Brilliant. Look at where I've gotten myself. I'm a half crazy, grown up wanna be that doesn't think before she acts. Fabulous. Ha, look at this, one second I'm loving who I am and what I do, the next I'm scolding who I am. Stupid self. Oh well, I am who I am, I did what I did, and I can tell you this...I didn't hate it.

I did something naughty.

A/N: In case you all haven't caught on, these go in order, there are 5 people, so 1-5 is a new person, then 6 matches to 1 and 7 to 2 and so on, let me know if your confused! I love reviews everyone, I'm still so new at this (this is only my second fic) so I'm not all the way confident, so the more reviews the more I want to write! Thanks everyone!


	8. Clueless

Tell Me How You Really Feel

**Clueless**

**A/N-**Sorry for the wait, I was at camp then vacation. Please keep reading and reviewing...you have no idea how much it helps. Also, If you like it, tell your friends, I'm so new here and I don't have much popularity at the moment, so the more readers the better! Also check out my other fic, The Meaning of Love! Thanks everyone!

I've lost it . . . gone completely mad. I must be totally off the rocker by now. He kissed me! And I _liked _it! What has this world come to? We're so close . . . we're bloody best friends! I'm smarter than this! I'm not the top witch in my year for nothing . . . am I? I must have just been desperate . . . even a girl like me needs some once in a while, right? I mean not that I'd ever use him like that . . . we're so close . . . but really, how do I know if it's real? Can you find that sort of thing in a book? Perhaps I should ask Madam Pince . . . no, no, what am I thinking? I must pull myself together and have a rational grown up conversation with him.

Oh yes that's brilliant, "Yes hello, just wondering, was the snog as good for you as it was for me?" Of coarse Hermione, best plan _ever_. Oh Merlin . . . it wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't liked it . . . I mean who knew the guy could kiss like that? Sure he's good looking, muscular...and he has that really cute smile when he teases me about my studies...oh bugger! I'm off daydreaming about my best mate! Do you think he fancies me? _Really _fancies me, or do you think he was just blowing off steam after training and I was just there...I mean he really had a rough day with Malfoy, they'd been battling for hours...with weapons no less...I'm sure that was it. Just a mistake, a tired "blow of steam" little mistake.

Should that make me feel better? Cause it didn't do a damn thing. My Merlin, does that mean I want him to fancy me? I actually _want_ one of my best friends to _fancy_ me? Should I say something? Oh of coarse not stupid girl! I should most definitely say nothing, and follow his lead. But I'm just dying to know how he meant it to be! Oi, they really need a book on this sort of thing. Why is it that I know everything about everything I don't even need? Perhaps I should talk to Ginny . . . she definitely knows a lot about this sort of thing . . . but that would be so weird for her . . . considering . . . oh dragon dung, I just need to get my stuff together and talk to him about it. I don't even need to mention anything about how I feel or if I enjoyed it . . . but what if he asks? Then what do I do? Do I lie and so no? Should I be non sealant and say it was "Okay"? Of coarse there's this whole honesty business . . . I've heard it works. What am I on about? I'm going to confront him, straight up, and that means either he'll say it was a mistake, or he meant it and likes me. Whichever occurs I can handle . . . I say not a problem we'll disregard it, or bloody hell I like you too now snog me senseless right now. Or you know . . . something like that.

I can't believe out of my entire life, everything I've been through . . . all the classes and papers and essays and tests and examinations and life threatening situations . . . the training the battling the body bruising physical obstacles . . . a boy is what I'm caught on. A measly, single boy has got my brain on shut down. I'll say it again, what has life come to? Am I really as shallow as the rest of the petty childish little girls in this school? But could I be wrong? I mean maybe it's not childish at all, maybe it's actually mature and beneficial to allow yourself to feel like that . . . to want like that. For the first time in my entire life . . .

I am clueless.


	9. What It's Like To Understand

A/N : Thank you to all those who have reviewed thus far: Alexandra J Malfoy, anti-everything, A New Reader, darkangel121, Jenny UsPplz, Lucivar, randomgurlie07, and Silver and Silent.

Tell Me How You Really Feel

What It's Like To Understand

So um...that whole brother sister thing I was worried about? Yeah...she's gotten over it too. I fancy her. I acted on it. Then I walked away. She's probably sitting somewhere right now cursing me to oblivion and back. She's probably so confused...or so repulsed? I never thought of that...maybe she hated it. I mean just because Cho liked my kisses...and my...everything else, doesn't mean she will. Bloody hell...I'm so lost in how it was for me, and she could have bloody hated it! I suppose I could ask her yeah? But what if she said it was really awful...terrible...horrendous?

Maybe I'm overreacting. I'm sure it wasn't _that_ bad. Should I talk to her about it? I mean obviously she's wondering about it too...anybody would, but especially her. I don't even know what I would say. I don't think I could explain myself. It was a crazy day, training was tough...and then I saw her and the only logical thing to do at the time was kiss her. Course now it doesn't seem so logical. I mean what would I say if I talked to her about it. "Yeah hi, just wondering...do you mind if I snog you all the time? Right okay thanks." Sure, that will go over well. Something needs to be done.

I could write her a letter. But that's so impersonal, it needs to be done face to face. Maybe I should just kiss her again and see what happens...this time no walking away. If she slaps me, then I'm pretty sure that means she's not interested. If she doesn't...then we can talk about what it means...our future. Our future, that sounds so...big. Do you think we could have a future together? Me and her? I can kinda see it. We'd always be together anyways, but if we were "together" it just feels like it's really meant to be, she's not just sticking around because she has to, it will be because she wants to. We could fall in love. Me, in love. Can you imagine?

It feels so different even thinking about it than it was with Cho. I hope it doesn't take as long as it did with Cho. A year, a whole year until she finally came around...and then we only had a year together because it was her last here. I miss her still sometimes you know, I got so used to always having her to hold, to vent to...in a physical way. I mean sure people need to talk, but that's what my friends were for. I knew I needed more than that, and she helped me figure out what that 'more' was. If I was having a shitty day and I was really worked up and frustrated, she could tell and she would let me vent it out through physical contact. If I was upset and sad, it would be slow and sweet, and we could just sit and cuddle for hours. I miss that so much. I think I ended up loving that more than I ever loved Cho...I always feel a little guilty when I think about it.

She would be different though, I don't know if there would be as much of the physical stuff. Of coarse it helps and I miss it, but I think our love would be stronger, it would be more real if there wasn't as much. I hope there will be eventually...but a true relationship is more than snogging and shagging and I want that with her. I just need to tell her that, to see if that's what she wants too.

I think I'm really starting to sort my shit out, and it feels pretty good.

I finally understand.


	10. About Time For A Fill In I'd Say

Tell Me How You Really Feel

**About time for a fill in I'd say...**

It's gunna happen soon. I can feel it. I dream about it. It's gunna happen soon...much too soon. We've trained long and hard for a battle like this, it isn't our first and it wont be our last, but that doesn't make it any less important. Combat Warriors. That's what the ministry call's us. That's what Harry, Hermione, Draco, Ginny, and I are. A few years back, Dumbledore came to us, recognizing us as the five most promising students, and the five most likely to get involved in the upcoming war regardless. He brought in professional battle coaches, trainers, and teachers from all over the world to privately tutor us in every aspect one would ever need in fighting a battle. We've learned martial arts, weaponry, wandless magic, early apparation, and we're beginning to prepare for becoming animagi. We've had advanced classes in potion making, dark defenses, and transfiguration. We have been trained to increase speed, agility, endurance, reaction and flexibility. Our job is to detect, attack, and kill all evil and all threats. We were made to be deadly and feared by all things dark.

Ha, sounds pretty corny eh? It seems like a lot at first, but you get used to it. We're all still the same people, just with bigger muscles and the ability to break a person in two with a movement of an arm. No big deal. The hardest part of all of it, is keeping it from everyone. They know we're up to something, its obvious, they just cannot know what. We wake up every morning at 4:45, and are training by 5:00 sharp. We stop morning training by 8:00 and get a 15 minute grace period from classes for a quick shower and a bite to eat. We go through our normal classes, all except Defense Against the Dark Arts. Since we already have a good head start on that, we go to the Room of Requirement and have a meditation hour. It sounds way more lame than it really is. After classes and dinner, we go out and train for a couple hours more. Then all but Hermione go to Quidditch practice (she continues training). Homework is a killer, that takes a few hours, and then we're in bed around midnight.

They said that we'd get used to such little amounts of sleep. They straight up bloody lied to our faces, the wanker's. It royally sucks. That much training really pays off though. I'd like to point out that Draco, Harry and I are now beasts. I stand now at 6'5'' and weigh in at 220 pounds. Both Harry and Draco grew as well, and they are around 6'3'' and I'd guess 200 pounds. It's so weird to think about first year, how tiny we were and how big we are now. Not just us, but Hermione! Mind you, she's no 6'3'' 200, she's still a short little one, but that girl as got some definition! Even under her robes you can tell she's cut. Not that sick cut where girls look like blokes, but a really hot body kind of cut. She's beautiful as well, I see all the guys' heads turn when she walks by. I hate when their heads turn. I want to rip their heads off so they cannot turn them to look at her anymore. But then I'd get expelled and that would just be a big load of trouble that I don't have time for, so I just threaten them instead. I'm choosing not to tell you about Ginny, cause that's gross and I refuse to notice that. She's my bloody sister. Speaking of my sister...something is definitely up. I have no idea what it is, but something is going on. There's no way in Hades she would talk to me about it...I usually don't react well to any issue involving her and a member of the male species, and brotherly instinct is telling me that her troubles do indeed involve a member of such species. Perhaps I'll confront Hermione tomorrow at morning workout...good lord that's early.

Thoroughly sleep deprived.


	11. Drive Me Crazy

Tell Me How You Really Feel

Drives Me Crazy

It's been a while. A lot has changed. It's been what? A month or two? I should probably update you, I wouldn't want anyone to commit irrational suicide due to lack of insight on my private life. My secret goddess and I continued our affair after that first kiss. How could we not? Who can really resist Draco Malfoy? She's beautiful but infuriating. I painfully found out she's ticklish in just about every single solitary part of her beautifully toned athletic body. Any time I try to touch her, she giggles uncontrollably. Sometimes it's cute but when a guy is trying to be sweet and caring, and he's laughed at and once in a while snorted at, it's a little bit maddening. Take her back for instance. Normally ones back is not very sensitive to the touch, and she has a beautiful back (it sounds weird I know but believe me) and when I try to just touch it, to feel her soft skin under my hands, she busts out in hysterics. What's a man to do? Or when we're all hot and bothered and I can't control my hands all of a sudden out of absolutely nowhere I hear "HAAAAAA" and there's the moment for you.

Other than her insane fits of laughter at every caress, she's a wonderful girl. Of course we do more than snog occasionally. Sometimes we fly together, she's a really superb flyer, or sometimes we study together. Except that usually only helps her, she studies Arithmancy . . . and I study the way her chest rises and falls under her robes with every breath. She's turned me into a right sensitive bastard I know.

Lately however, we haven't had much time for each other. Sneaking around is time consuming, and with the up coming . . . events, we really have no spare time. Any extra time is spent doing extra training or even better, actually sleeping. We've all pretty much cut out sleeping these days. There just doesn't seem to be time for it. Or it's really sad when a good mate walks by and asks you to walk to lunch with them and you reply with an "I haven't the time to eat, thanks though." There's been a lot of that lately. There's nothing that can be changed, we can't afford to take time out of our training schedules. The only grace we've been given, by special orders, is the amount of homework we get. We are being given little to none by majority of our teachers, thanks to the big man in the crazy robes and the silly hat.

It's a little startling though, that with all of this happening, with all of the training for such a big thing, my biggest fear is far from death. It's losing her. Losing her in battle, or losing her because I no longer have the time for her. If it was possible I'd give her all the time in the world . . . but it's out of my hands.

I guess for now I'll just let it all drive me crazy.


	12. My Happiness

**Tell Me How You Really Feel**

**My Happiness **

When it began to happen, the only thing I could look at were her eyes. So steady, so sure. I was nervous. No, strike that, I was scared shit-less. She's always been so wise, so surely I could trust her. She told me it would be okay, that it was okay to be nervous, but to never let it consume me. Accept it, but don't give in to it. Never let it keep you from succeeding, from going through with it.

It didn't hurt exactly. It was just uncomfortable. Not unbearable, but if I could choose I'd rather not be doing it. I'm not sure why they chose me to go first. I'm the youngest after all, wouldn't it make more sense to start with the oldest? I guess not because there I was, stuck between two worlds, between fear and excitement. Ever since I knew it was possible, I always wanted to do it.

After it happened, I felt...exhilarated, surprised...shocked really. I had done it. The first thing I did, without really thinking about it, was I went up to him. To my anchor...my secret obsession, my happiness. He crouched down to touch me, and that's when I truly realized I was no longer a human. I don't remember if anyone said anything, I just remember knowing that as long as I was by him I could handle it.

A few minutes after, I remembered what she had said, "Get accustomed to your new form, and then try and turn back." So I tried. No luck. I tried again...nothing happened. Shit. I'm not sure if it's because he could see it on my face, or if it is just because he knew me like no one else, but he could tell something was wrong. Now being picked up as a human, is very different than being picked up as an animal. He did just that, and held me close to him.

Merlin knows what my brother was thinking, what the rest of them were thinking. Could they tell his concern was stronger than just general little worry? If he was worried about it, he didn't show it. He let nothing break his focus, he was concentrating on me. I remember feeling safe, and I pressed my nose up against his, and he smiled. That's when it happened. I knew in that moment I could turn back, so I did. I found myself back in human form, cradled in his arms, with our faces touching.

I'm not sure if the silence that followed was a good one or a bad one, but I didn't care. I still don't care. I did what had to be done, and he helped me do it. Everyone else can just eat it. It doesn't really make sense, but after that I knew I was ready to tell them, tell the whole freaking world that I'm with him. That he makes me smile even when I'm angry with him, that he makes me laugh more than anyone ever could.

I'm ready for them to know that my happiness is the one and only former bastard, Draco Malfoy.


	13. Distraction

Tell Me How You Really Feel

**Distraction**

I always thought I could talk to him. Talk to him about anything, anytime, no matter what. It's official however that Harry and I cannot talk about "us." It's not that we haven't tried, we've sat in silence time and time again, and in the end . . . all we can do is pounce on each other. Yes, I Hermione Granger pounce. The physical attraction between us is . . . electrifying. He makes me so . . . charged? Ha yeah charged. Our conversations start with a polite greeting and a "We should talk." which is then followed by a few stammers and then a great deal of snogging. In fact, the other night . . . I tore his short. No, I didn't just put a tear in it . . . I ripped it off of him. I had to get to him . . . I _had_ to rub my fingers over his bare chiseled chest. There is something about muscle and a man being a tremendously beastly fellow that turns me on. No not fat, thin but tall and made of muscle . . . mmm and the arms.

This is absurd! I am much more responsible than this. I could at least hold out until we can _somehow_ manage to talk about it and I can see if he even wants me for anything other than some amazing snogging and probably some amazing . . . never mind. I'm acting like one of those moral-less, promiscuous adolescents that can't manage to keep her robe on. And, on top of it all, the fight is coming. Ronald says he can "feel" it. I say I just bloody well know it's coming. They can only wait so long. If my mind isn't completely on my work, I could be killed, or worse, one of my friends could be killed. I need to find a way to work out this stuff with Harry before the battle, or we will just have to forget about it because wondering and hoping and wishing at all times of the day is enough to make any girl scream.

I really do care about him. Caring makes everything so much harder. It makes losing someone more real, more vivid. I know it doesn't make it more _probable_ but that's almost how it feels. I'm caught in this web, this tangled mess of feelings that I want to get out of and stay in at the same time. It's frightening that even if I really knew I wanted to get out, I don't know if I could. He has this . . . electric power that surges through him and draws me to him. When I'm near him, I have to touch him, kiss him, hug him . . . his energy feeds me. He's there in my mind's eye when I blink, he walks my dreams, he distracts me from my work. I should be furious. I should forget about my addiction to his personal electricity and tell him "no." We all know I won't though, I can't, even if he is a distraction.

I've come to realize, I want to be distracted.


	14. Dirty and Tainted

Tell Me How You Really Feel

Dirty and Tainted

I don't know why I did it. I guess I felt like destroying something beautiful. He was an ungrateful, conniving bastard who turned on his friends and his family. I didn't realize it was him at first, and I was fighting to protect myself. But then his mask slipped off and the instant I saw the hair I knew...and suddenly I was fighting to protect his family. I was fighting to protect my friends, my world that he helped infect with evil and prejudice.

I killed a man. I killed a beautiful, powerful, well known tycoon. I MURDERED SOMEONE. I just started hitting him, my wand forgotten and I couldn't stop. When I thought about all the horrific things he did to people, all the innocence he took away, my greatest wish was for him to die a slow painful death. I think I'm losing my mind. I'm stuck in this tormenting fight between regret and relief. Do I feel remorse? I don't have an answer for that.

I was more afraid of what his son would say to me, than what I did. "It had to be done," he told me. He was grieving of course, regardless of the pain and misery inflicted on him by his father, he was still exactly that . . . his father. He said he knew it would happen eventually, and sometimes he even wished it would be him to do it. Sad, I know. No one thinks of me as a killer, a murderer, a dangerous and brutal beast. That should help me, but I don't really know if it does. I should have known I would end up killing people I actually knew someday, it was inevitable. I've killed plenty of nameless, faceless beings and I slept soundly after each one. But this was different. I knew him, I talked to him. I hated him, yes, but this time it really made me feel something.

I don't know if I feel regret, I don't know if I feel guilt. I just feel dirty. It's been a single day. Do you know how many times I've showered? Six. I can't get clean enough, I scrub and I scrub until I'm raw and bleeding, but I can't get clean enough. I'll never be pure again. I'm tainted. I'm a dirty, tainted, infected being. Hermione will never love me now. I don't blame her. She must see me as cold and heartless to kill someone's father, someone's husband, someone's lover.

I will live with this the rest of my life, alone, without relief and without her. I can't subject her to the person I've become; a true killer. From now on I will be a robot. I will do my job and I will go to classes, and that is it. I can't risk this happening again. I killed him because I loathed him. There are many more I loath, therefore many more for me to kill, and I will not. Maybe I should stop battling. Maybe I should quit.

The boy who lived, is now the boy who killed Draco Malfoy's father.

A/N: I'm thinking of fast forwarding to the future and writing about how everything worked out and where they are in their lives. Or I could continue in this time period for a while, so let me know, input is great. Also, if there are any things you'd like to see happen or be included, I can't promise anything but I don't mind ideas or suggestions. Please review!


	15. When I Kill

**Tell Me How You Really Feel**

_Chapter 15-When I kill_

When Harry kills he showers. When I kill, I bed girls. I think it's the need to feel alive, because I'm certainly most alive when a beautiful woman is writhing beneath me. Sometimes, when it was a particularly cruel, draining battle, I give up the power. I let her lead, just to make sure I don't get uncontrollable. I go directly from the battle to her bed, still sweating and bleeding. Sounds sick I know, but she wipes my blood and then adds her sweat to mine. It's thrilling in some sick, twisted way. Shagging let's me know I'm real, and it reassures me some bastard hasn't cut it off in battle...if you know what I mean.

Rumor is that I'm fantastic...although I try not to listen, I don't need a bigger ego, even I know that. I don't think I use women, because they know what they are getting into, I don't want a relationship the whole bloody school knows this. If she wants a second round, I'll gladly give it to her, therefore I can't be called a "one night stand" kind of guy, right? My favorites to be with are definitely Ravenclaw. At first I didn't expect this, they are all goody-goody's but damn, they must have some pent up desires cause they just go and go like...what's that called? Oh yeah, the energizer bunny, my dad talks about that all the time. I think I'd like the energizer bunny.

Speaking of goody-goody's and shagging...I'm not too manly to admit I'm scared bogey-less of Harry finding out I shagged Hermione. Judging on the fact that he still speaks to me and hasn't tried to shove a knife in my chest or anything, I don't think she told him, but knowing her she will. Her conscience is just too squeaky clean. Part of me thinks he assumes it happened, we were together after all, but I also think he expected us to tell him and we didn't, therefore he might think we didn't. Whatever he thinks, I'm afraid soon he's gunna _know_. Hermione isn't one to keep secrets and their relationship is definitely getting more serious. I'm a dead man.

Back to shagging, I'm most definitely gunna get some tonight. No I didn't kill anyone today, but little miss brown eyes from Hufflepuff was definitely checking me out during Herbology and it _has_ been a couple days since I've been in the sack with anyone. I bet she'll be good too, her body looks toned and curved and judging from the look she gave me...she has special plans for us. And do you believe me now? I don't use girls, because they ask for it, they want it, they want me. They say I'm even better after a kill, and we all know I don't mind one bit killing off a dozen members of the club known as "scum of the earth" a day. That makes a whole heck of a lot of shag appointments for me.

When I kill, I shag.

A/N: I'm thinking of fast forwarding to the future and writing about how everything worked out and where they are in their lives. Or I could continue in this time period for a while, so let me know, input is great. Also, if there are any things you'd like to see happen or be included, I can't promise anything but I don't mind ideas or suggestions. Please review!


	16. Take A Gamble

Tell Me How You Really Feel

Take A Gamble

A/N: It's a rather short one, and I know they are all pretty short, but this one even more so. I have exams and I'm so crazy right now but this is long overdue. I'm so sorry if it's not up to parr, but it's the best I could do at the moment. Review please!

If this is giving up, then I'm giving up. I should talk of my dead father, but I really don't want to. I'm letting it go. I've tried to feel bad, I've tried to show

respect, but as I said, I'm giving up on that. I have my own shit to deal with. Battles are becoming more frequent and the "big one" is coming nearer. And I

can't seem to fill my brain with anything but battling and my goddess. I love her. I want to stand on the astronomy tower and shout it to the world. I want her. I

need her. I have to bloody have her. I've been contemplating taking drastic action. I know that I cannot even pretend to be happy without her in my life. I

know that there's a large possibility I won't live past 20. Therefore...it makes sense...but how can I possibly pull it off?

It's not like I have to worry about my father objecting, and by now my broken mother is pretty much a vegetable (serves her right, the self righteous bitch)

so who can stop me? Actually there are many that can stop me, but they can be...persuaded. It's definitely a gamble though. One I do believe I'm ready for.

It's all a matter of timing. I need to do it all before I die, and that could be very soon, which I find to be utterly obnoxious. It's such an inconvenience. I never

really cared before, but now that I have my epitome of perfection by my side, it complicates the whole "dying" situation. I don't want her to ever feel pain

again. But realistically, if I die...she hurts. If any one of us dies, she hurts. Then there is the thought that results in me forgetting to breath. If she dies, I hurt. I

hurt more than I've ever hurt in my entire life. My goddess, don't leave me.

I have to do it. If I don't, I will regret it my entire life. Or rather, my entire death. I need her to know what she means to me. I need them all to understand

howmuch I love my scarlett haired beauty.

I want to marry Ginny Weasley.


	17. In Need

Tell Me How You Really Feel

_In Need_

A lot of time has passed since I last wrote. Probably for the others as well . . . we've been so busy. Yeah, understatement of the century right there. How long has it been you wonder? Goodness, let me check . . . Mmmhmm, 12 months. Yes, an entire year. One god awful year of fighting, bleeding, crying and dying. But it's all over now. Or so we like to think. We all know it's not really over, but right now the major threat is gone, and we spend everyday rejoicing. I'd give all the mind blowing, gory details of the Dark Lord's defeat, but I know none and I probably never will. That's Harry's business, and all I'll ever need to know was that he trudged back to us from that hill, alive. I can tell you however, of the battles in the field with the Dark Lord's supporters. We lost many, but thankfully, they lost more . . . much more. I'm not quite sure how it worked out this way, but all the major operatives in the order and those not in the order, but working for Dumbledore, made it through. Injured of coarse, but most certainly alive. I find it somewhat hard to believe because those people (myself included) were the ones doing most of the up close and personal battling . . . but I suppose our skills overcame the enemy's.

The only one of us that was seriously injured was the man of my dreams. He's okay I suppose, he just has no feeling in certain portions of his body. One of the Death Eaters struck him with a spell as he was trying to help Hermione out of a difficult situation, and although it left no physical mark, it severed some of the nerves in his back and his legs. He can walk, talk, and get down to business (if you know what I mean) just as well as he could before, but if I ever wanted to give him a back rub, he wouldn't feel it. Everyone else made it out with cuts, bruises, and broken bones that Madam Pomfrey fixed in about ten seconds flat. That woman is a miracle worker, let me tell you. The only other person I'm somewhat concerned about even to this day, a year later, is Harry. The only person he told anything to was Professor Dumbledore. I just worry that he feels he has to keep it all in, that he can't share his burden with anyone else. But the truth is, we are all more than willing to talk about it, to listen to anything and everything he want's to share. I just hope he knows he's not alone. We're in it together and although in the end it was he who had to defeat Voldemort, and we'll never know what that was like, we all trained and worked and fought . . . for him.

Straying from the battle update . . . I should point out once more it has been a whole year. A lot can happen in a whole year. Draco and I are public with our relationship, although most people knew about it and only a few were in denial (ahem . . . Ronald). I think we're going to be engaged soon . . . he told me six months ago that he had already been thinking of marrying me for quite some time. I hope he proposes soon, the battling is over and I think that's what kept him from proposing before. I'm just giddy thinking about it. Mrs. Ginevra Malfoy. Ahhh! And with his parents' gone (who knows what happened to his mother, he thinks she left for one of their homes in the south of France) Draco has the Manor all to himself and I can just picture us living happily ever after in that gorgeous mansion. Although as long as I get to marry Draco, I'd live in a sand castle if I had to. I love that man more than anything, and I cannot wait to be his wife and have his children. That is of coarse if he ever bloody proposes! A girl can only wait so long you know. Oh, and much has happened to the others as well, but I'll let them tell you all their . . . ahem, intimate details.

I am in need of a gorgeous blond husband.


	18. When I Get a Taste

Tell Me How You Really Feel

When I Get a Taste

Well hello. "Oh my gods! She lives!" haha, I know right? Nah, I understand. But really, who has time to write in one of these things while war is raging? Anywho, as I'm sure one of the others has informed you, we've won, because my boyfriend is amazing. Yes, I'm taking credit for it—almost a decade of devotion and loyalty gives me some rights, I'd say. All of us are living, breathing, and Harry is doing as well as expected. He explained it to me the other night, saying that he feels as though he doesn't have much purpose in life anymore. He focused for so many years on one thing, and now that it is over, his "destiny" fulfilled, he isn't so sure what to do with his life. For my part, I told him that his purpose now is to relax, bask in the love that our friends and I have for him, and spend every second of the rest of his life letting me make him happy. That seemed to cheer him up quite a bit.

As for me, I've immersed myself completely in the ridiculously perfect library in the new home Harry and I have purchased. Along with reading to my hearts content, and spoiling the love of my life as much as possible, I've been trying to think of the perfect thank-you for Draco, he did save my life after-all. He insists he needs nothing, and I am not so daft as to think a material object could possibly fix his lasting physical injuries; I'd simply like to give my friend something to make him smile. I was thinking I'd take Ginny to Gladrags, buy her some goodies, put a bow around her, and deliver her to him, but seeing as how she did that with me for Harry, it seems a tad unoriginal (now _that's_ a night for the books).

Honestly though, this life, this amazingly normal life, is truly fantastic. I admit I was worried at first, with my confessed thirst for knowledge and love of a good challenge, I thought life after the war would be dreadfully dull. I was wrong. Now I get to spend my days with my best friends and the man that holds my heart, while discovering what a blessing it is to wake up and not fear the darkness that the passing day will bring. You're probably all thinking "obviously", but I have to tell you, that when you're in it and living it, it isn't quite so easy to realize. After a taste of it, I'm the first to admit, normalcy kicks serious ass.

I love life, and my newly-normal boyfriend.


End file.
